This latest version of lockdown feels like a pressure cooker with no release valve. All the resilience available during the earlier lockdowns has evaporated. Everyone I speak to is feeling it. We all describe having little left to give. 
I have noticed during the last month how activated my nervous system is. The usual calmness I get during meditation, yoga or walking in nature no longer brings my nervous system back to a level of equilibrium. Everything feels magnified. My ability to self-soothe reduced. In this space, old wounds are awoken. Things I believed to be healed long ago are coming to the surface asking for my attention. It seems to me that when we become so depleted that we regress somewhat. Fall back into old ways of feeling and believing. Feel slightly less whole. 
Over the last days, I have realised two things are being asked of me. The first is to surrender even more. To accept what is. I may be spiritual, but I will freely admit accepting a lack of control is not my strong point. It frustrates me. I like forward direction. But I also understand that everything comes into my life with its own meaning for my growth. If I am resisting something, it means I have something to learn from it. 
The second is that these most vulnerable parts of me are not as healed as I thought. To move forward, what I really need to do is pause. To rest a little and tend to these parts of myself which are asking to be cared for again. The parts that feel overlooked and not seen. Because when the world wears us down, our deepest wounds open again, and our insecurities are no longer hidden. The kindest thing we can do for when this happens is accept that sometimes we must allow ourselves to ‘re-heal’. 
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